Intro Post, Part One

Hi!
 
I'm calling my blog "In the House of Rimmon" based on II Kings 5:18, from Haftarat Tazria.

In this thing HaShem pardon your servant: when my master goes into the house of Rimmon to worship there, and he leans on my hand, and I prostrate myself in the house of Rimmon, when I prostrate myself in the house of Rimmon, HaShem pardon your servant in this thing.'
 

While in shul this past Shabbat I got the strongest feeling that I was in the House of Rimmon, that I knew I should be elsewhere, that God wants me to be elsewhere, but that I cannot (for reasons that this blog will explain) be in that other place. If that means that my faith is less than perfect, then (at this stage) so be it. I just hope that God cuts me the same slack He showed Naaman.

Anais Nin writes:

"And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom."
 

For me, right now, the risk of blossoming outweighs the risk of remaining tight in a bud. So for now, tight in a bud I remain, however painful that is.

So...

I'm 50, a modern orthodox Jew and married with 2. I moved to Israel from the USA 25+ years ago. I went to public schools in the USA. I was raised de jure Conservative but de facto nothing. As a kid, to me "Jewish" was just just another adjective. I'm the first frummie in at least 3 generations on other side. How did I decide to become frum?

I got my BA in the spring of 1985. I was getting ready to go back to university & start working on my MA in the fall of 1985. I quickly realized that if I did that, I'd go stark raving bonkers very quickly. I needed some time off. The Dean was very cool. He gave me a leave of absence for 1 year. I was admitted, but my actual registration was deferred to the fall of 1986.

I worked at my summer job (bartending) in an east coast seaside resort until the restaurant closed for the winter at the end of October. There is nothing more therapeutically head-clearing than being in a bustling seaside resort after Labor Day, when things start winding down. I am convinced that that period helped clear my head & lay the sub-conscious groundwork for my bolt-out-of-the-blue decision. (See Song of Songs 5:2, "I was asleep but my heart was awake.")

For November & half of December, I went back home & vegetated. Just before Christmas 1985, I went back to the city where my university was & crashed with friends till I found a flat (in a group apartment). I then found a job waiting tables & figured that I'd work until it was time to go back to class in the fall of 1986.

Or so I thought. The day after Christmas I saw that a local theater (which showed old movies) was showing "Fiddler on the Roof". I saw it once when I was a little kid (parents dragged me). I had time to spare & nothing else to do, so I bought a ticket & went in. 

Near the beginning of the film, Tevye the dairyman talks about "tradition." He said: "Because of our traditions, each one of us knows who he is and what God expects him to do." I reeled. That hit me for such a loop; I really went flying. It was like getting hit in the head with a two-by-four. I had never thought about it that way before. I had no clue who I was and that God a) knew I existed, b) cared, and c) actually wanted me to do something was something utterly, utterly new to me. I was in shock. I watched the rest of the film in a semi-trance & then at the end, after the pogrom, when all the Jews have to leave the village, the old matchmaker comes up to Tevye's wife & tells her that she is going to (the Land of) Israel. WHACK! That was two-by-four to-the-head #2. I went reeling again. I left the theater in quite a state. I went back to my flat & decided then and there that I had to become orthodox (keep kosher, study scripture, keep Shabbat, pray regularly, the works, etc., etc,) and come to Israel.

My parents (whom I didn't tell until I had occasion to go back home in April 1986 for Passover) were absolutely shocked. By then, I had already registered for an ulpan here in Israel (where I met my non-American-born wife) & sent in a non-refundable deposit. I waited tables until mid-September & arrived here in early November.

Except for occasional visits to the USA and to where my wife is from, I have been here ever since. I was conscripted into the IDF, did reserve duty, am now at the same job I've had for 20+ years. We have two teenage sons.

I've never learned in yeshiva except for the beit midrash program at the university here in Israel where I got my MA. My wife is frum-from-birth, but not off the deep end about it (one of the many, many things I love about her). When we got married, I simply adopted all of her minhagim. 

This is, or was, me.

(cont.)